caerula's Diaryland Diary

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perspective

So I did call my doctor Wednesday afternoon, after ditching work around 2pm because I just couldn't funtion anymore. I talked to a very nice and sympathetic nurse lady, who got me in to the doctor yesterday morning. Because I knew I was going to the doctor, and I knew that would be stressful, I called into work. Which wasn't as bad as it sounds, because for various reasons hardly anyone was there yesterday anyway and very little work was being done.

Dr. P. was not as helpful as I might have wished. She's a very nice and sympatheic lady with a great bedside manner, and she always makes me feel like everything's going to be okay. So then, of course, when she can't make everything okay I get annoyed at her, which is hardly her fault. I told her how incredibly exhausted and achey (is that how you spell that?) I've been lately, and how difficult it is even to get through a day at work, and how I sleep all the time but never feel rested.

She explained again how fibromyalgia is very difficult to treat, and how she didn't want to presribe anything that might interfere with me getting pregnant. I do have an appointment with a rheumatologist, who is supposedley the best in the area, but since she's the best I can't see her until Nov., and there's nothing Dr. P. can do to get that moved up. She gave me a scrip for Motrin, which is better than nothing but since I've already been talking 4 Advils at a pop, all it does is cut down on the amount of pills I take at one time. And she put me on prenatal vitamins, because they have more iron and stuff in them than regular vitamins and might help with my elevated SED rate and slight anemia. Other than that, her advice was to get lots of rest and go see a counselor to discuss all these health issues and figure out how to lower my stress level.

Which I probably will do. I've seen counselors before, most recently last year when my anxiety disorder flared to extreme proportions, and I've had varying degrees of success. I've had some really good experiences (the counselor I saw in graduate school was wonderful) and some bad ones (the one that told me to drink some wine or take a Xanax so I could relax during sex comes to mind). I'll try it once or twice and see how understanding this person is. If I end up with one of those people who tells me my health problems are due to my emotional problems, I won't go back. As I tried to explain to Dr. P. yesterday, yes, I have dealt with depression and panic disorder for as long as I can remember. Yes, I have a lot of stress in my life right now. However, after last winter when I let things get so bad, I feel like I have a far better handle on my emotional state than I ever have had before. Last winter and spring were very difficult for me. My emotional state was a big part of the reason I switched jobs. It was not, however, why I got sick.

Depression didn't cause my endometriosis and infertility. Sure those things contributed to my feeling depressed. Anxiety and stress didn't cause fibromyalgia, although there is an acknowledged connection between the severity of symptoms and the level of stress in one's life. And I am facing a major conundrum, here -- either don't treat the fibromyalgia, so I can go back on fertility drugs and maybe, maybe get pregnant, but feel lousy the whole time I am pregnant, or give up on getting pregnant so I can feel better, but take drugs with major side effects, like steroids, which would mean I couldn't try to get pregnant at all.

So I figure, if I can find a decent counselor who can help me put my health problems into perspective and help me figure out how to live my life from here on it, then it might be worth it. If I end up with someone who tells me to cut out the stress and then I'll feel better, than screw it.

I keep trying to keep in mind that there are people far, far worse off than me. Sometimes that helps me keep things in perspective. Sometimes it just makes me feel guilty that I'm expending so much energy worrying about myself. And sometimes I just decide to feel sorry for myself and screw the rest of the world.

12:13 p.m. - 2001-09-21

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