caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- paralyzed I�m not feeling particularly inspired to do anything lately, which is why I haven�t been updating. Creatively I�ve got nothing � no inspiration to write, sew, scrapbook, nothing, not even do the redesign and move I've been contemplating here. I want to do something, but I�ve got nowhere to start. When I used to get blocked like this, I�d start anyway � sit down to an empty notebook or blank computer screen and start writing, or start pulling fabrics in interesting combinations hoping to strike a spark somewhere. Now I�ve got no desire to do that. I feel like whatever I start will suck anyway and even if it didn�t I�d never get it finished, so there�s no point starting. I know I�m in a major funk, but I can�t seem to talk myself out of it. I feel like I�m just waiting, for something to happen, for some idea to pop into my head, for things to sort themselves out, and I can�t get myself going until whatever I�m waiting for occurs. I know that�s ridiculous. I need to do something, nothing�s going to happen without my actively seeking it. But knowing it doesn�t seem to inspire me to get my butt up and moving right now. I was looking up writing contests earlier, thinking maybe having a goal would give me a kick in the pants (hey, worked for Swoop), but instead it just depressed me; I found myself thinking, �yeah, I�ll start something, and I won�t like it, I won�t finish it or send it out, and then I�ll just be mad at myself for not getting it done.� Sigh. I hate this emotional paralysis thing I�ve got going on here, and I don�t know what to do about it. I�m bored. That�s part of the problem. Bored to death at work (so bored that I was actually inspired to do this entry), and when I get home I�m so freaking tired I can�t fathom putting any mental energy into anything creative. Another aspect of the problem is that I have a vast amount of clutter in my life at the moment, so much so that I can�t get a handle on where to start dealing with it. I�m talking literal stuff here; the den is full of stacks of books, ARCs, and papers, and my sewing/craft room is packed to the gills with Christmas detritus and all the stuff that got shoved in there to make way for the Christmas stuff. I can�t fathom getting anything started until I�ve got that organized, and I don�t know when I�ll have the time or energy to deal with it. So, paralyzed. 9:51 a.m. - January 14, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- moo I�m thinking of switching to a different host for my journal. For one, I�m tired of all the spam I�m getting off my dland address. So for all, er, 7 of my loyal readers � if I move away, will you still come see me, even though I�m not right down the street any more? If you happen to be registered to vote in Michigan, you can go here to apply to vote in the Democratic Presidential Caucus in our state. The nifty thing is you can even vote online. So you have no excuses! I�ve had a fairly decent couple of days. I think I�ve put the utter depression of last week behind me, at least somewhat, and am looking at life from a better frame of mind. Yesterday I was home all day with the Kid, who is getting over a raging ear infection and needed a day of rest and recuperation, and was actually productive. Finished two of the review copies I�d been putting off and started a really spectacular new one by Sharon Shinn (course, that still leaves me 12 to write up by Sunday night � sigh), put away the last of the Christmas stuff, and did some rearranging and reorganizing of the living-dining room I�ve been meaning to do. We have lots and lots of framed photos around, and it had gotten to the point where we didn�t see them anymore because they�d been sitting in the same places for so long. And I�m still trying to declutter. I packed up a bunch of candles and knick-knacky things just sitting around, some of which started life decorating my college apartments. It was their time, really. We watched the third Indiana Jones movie and Pirates of the Caribbean (again, not that I objected) and YMB played with his new Sims expansion pack for an hour while I talked to Swoop on the phone and watched the more-ridiculous-by-the-hour Days of our Lives. After Blue got up and we had dinner we continued our game of Risk; YMB got the Middle-Earth edition for Christmas, and while neither he nor I have ever played before, Blue was totally geeked. So we started a game several days ago, after taking, like, an hour to go over the instructions and set everything up. YMB and I are a team, since he doesn�t do very well in strategic planning yet. There�s nowhere we can put the board that would make it safe from the cats, either during or between installments, so we play with little sticky notes representing how many battalions we have in each territory. Not quite as exciting, but infinitely safer. YMB and I are the forces of good. We�re losing. It�s very sad. Also very complicated. Leaving you with this entertaining typo encountered in passing on a web page bio: "L--- is currently involved in pasturing a high school girls Bible study..." I wonder if she has a little bonnet and shepherd�s crook? 1:21 p.m. - January 07, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a little touchy Note to the "having a baby changes everything" commercial people: Yes, I�m sure that it does. Maybe when we manage it it will change my current desire to kick you people in the face. But for now, go away. Also, I will be glad when this week is over just so I will stop seeing the commercial for this week�s episode of "Friends" where one of them is talking to a potential birthmother about his wife being "a mother without a baby." I haven't watched that show in years but I hate that they are apparently playing adoption for laughs and dramatic value. Grr. Ok, to clarify here -- this bugs me whenever I see it not because I know anything about the show and how that particular storyline is playing out, but because when I hear that, it makes me cry. Every single freaking time. Because I know. Not that the entire entertainment system ought to tiptoe around so as not to offend the infertile, but there ought to be some kind of warning system: the following advertisement and/or program will a) bring on a burst of tears, forcing your poor husband/partner/whatever to pat you on the back and say "I know, hon" OR b) cause you to go into a rant about how the establishment portrays infertility, miscarriage, adoption, etc, which everyone in the room sympathizes with but is tired of hearing about OR c) make you want to scream and kick someone. Or all of the above. Don't mind me. I've been a little touchy lately. 10:25 a.m. - January 05, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||