caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- things fall apart Just really haven�t felt like updating lately. Everything feels very lousy, and yesterday being mother's day didn't help one bit. I'm not going to complain about people who don't think to get me a card or a present, I'm really not. My mom liked her wallhanging, which I forgot to take a picture of to post, but I will. And in other relatively good new, my crazy log cabins quilt was accepted into our guild quilt show in July � which means, of course, that I will actually have to finish it before then, so here's hoping I can get out of this cast soon. I quilted my mom's present on Saturday with my left foot, but for me it was kind of like driving with my left foot � very slow, with quick stops. I'm had many chats over the last week with Natalieeeee, Swwoop, and other listmembers, and I'm glad to say that my going on hiatus was at least well-timed; theoretically, I had nothing to do with the whole blow-up and severing between the List and Sublist, and for that I can only say thank you God. I'm still not sure if I'm going to go back to moderating at all � I have enough adults acting like 4 year olds already in my life. But I'm not ready to make that decision yet � after all, I've been involved with the lists in one way or another since the original list was started 4 years ago, and I've got a lot invested in it. But maybe it's time to pass on the reins. Speaking of 4-year-olds, Blue and I have been having major problems, and it was only last night I finally got him to admit it and talk about it. Yes, we've had a ton of stress in our lives lately. I'm trying the best I can to deal with it � going to counseling, taking my meds, trying to do as much as I can myself � but I swear, if Blue throws one more temper tantrum that would be immature behavior even for YMB, I'm going to whack him with my crutch. Last night I sort of gave him an ultimatum, which I hate to do. What I said was something along the lines of "I feel like I'm living with Jekyll and Hyde. I don't know what to expect from you one minute to the next. You have an anger control problem, you're stressed, and you're depressed. I know it, you know it, and we're both miserable. You have to get help." He just kind of looked at me, and so I said, "This is not something I ever wanted to have to say, but here's the deal. You get help, and I'll do whatever I can to help you deal with it. You don't get help, I can�t stay here until you do." God, I hated to even hear those words coming from me. But I don't know what else to do at this point. We are both miserable wrecks. I'm tired of being in charge of all the money issues. Blue has obsessive/compulsive issues as far as cleaning is concerned � he vacuums everyday, does 4 or 5 loads of laundry in a row, does the dishes at least twice a day. Fact is, both YMB and I are people who don't mind a bit of clutter. I don't want to live in filth, obviously, but Blue definitely goes overboard. And I can never find anything I need, because he's forever putting stuff away. I'm starting to feel that taking care of the house comes first for him, before YMB or me. And that's so wrong. So one of the things we decided to do is look into someone coming over like once a week and doing the major cleaning and laundry and stuff, so that maybe Blue could let some of that go. Yeah, money's an issue, but if it helps it would totally be worth it. And I'm almost glad to be back at work today, so I don't have to listen to him wandering around grumbling. So we'll see. Blue is supposed to call today to make an appointment with the counselor he saw and like last year, but totally put off going back to for whatever reason. He's got a list of some other things to do, since it's his day off. We'll see what gets done � he tends to get easily distracted, like any ADHD does, and then gets angry at himself for not getting the things done he wanted to, and that just makes it all worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. He has to start deciding to help himself, and figure out if keeping his family intact is more important than keeping the house clean. 11:38 a.m. - May 13, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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