caerula's Diaryland Diary

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in- and out-laws

We picked up YMB Sunday night at his mom's house. She'd called earlier in the week and told Blue that she wanted to discuss something. The kids were corralled in one of the bedrooms, and we really didn't know what to expect. Turns out all she wanted to ask was if we'd be willing to trade off weeks so they could take YMB to Florida with them when they go in April.

YMB has been to Florida nearly every year since he was born, since the Dementors go every April � they have a timeshare or something, apparently. But this year his mom and the rest of her kids and her fianc� are all going too, because her 30th birthday is that week. If it was just the Dementors, we probably wouldn't be inclined to let him go. But he doesn't seem to get to see his mom, his sister and brothers all too often, and we do want to encourage that relationship. Anything that gets him closer to his mom and less attached to his grandparents as caregivers is a good thing, since eventually we want YMB's visitation to be with her and not primarily with the grandparents.

So anyway, we said we'd think about it and let her know. It would mean he'd miss a week of school, but he's doing so well that I think he'd catch up without any problems. And it would mean that we get an extra week in the summer. Since the Dementors have most of the summer already, it would be nice to have that extra week, for us to do things together and maybe even take a vacation. So I think we're going to let him go. If we kept him here it would purely be from spite, that when they had primary custody they never let Blue take him for special things. And all that does is punish YMB for something that's not his fault. We're not going to play the same games they did. We won't tell YMB until after we talk to the Lovely Lawyer Lady, and to the Dementors themselves, since they're the ones who actually have the authority to switch weeks, not YMB's mom.

So when we got home Sunday night � late, as YMB's mom's place is a bit farther to drive than the Dementors', YMB and Blue both went to bed. Blue had to be back up at 10 to go to work, and he was desperately tired. I was snoozing on the couch to the accompaniment of the People's Choice Awards when FIL called. He wanted to know what YMB's mom had wanted to talk to us about, so I told him. He got extremely angry when I said we were probably going to let him go. I mean, blowing his top upset. I ended up having to say that I wasn't going to talk to him about it when he was like that and that I'd have Blue call him back.

Blue did call him back, before he left for work, and they ended up having a HUGE fight. The thing is, the in-laws have paid most of the legal fees for the custody stuff, and now it's starting to seem like they are using that whenever Blue does something they don't like. One of the things FIL said to me was, "Well, when that next lawyer bill comes I'll just send it on to you if this is how you're going to be."

Granted, it's been a huge expense. But a) it wasn't anything Blue asked them to do, they offered. You can't give something like that and then later decide there are strings attached, that this means they get to have a say in the decisions we make for YMB. And b) This really doesn't affect them at all. It's six days, six days in which they probably wouldn't even have seen YMB. And we get a more than fair exchange of a summer week. But FIL wouldn't listen, and so Blue got more and more angry and started yelling, and ended up hanging up on his dad and throwing the phone across the room.

I know in some families it's perfectly normal to fight like this, but it's not something that I'm at all used to, and so I got really upset. I'm better now that we've all calmed down some, but it still peeves me. Blue's parents still tend to treat him like he's five years old sometimes, that they know best and he should always listen to them and do what they want him to do. As long as they approve of what we're doing, everything is hunky-dory, but if they don't, they have no qualms in letting us know what we should be doing instead. It's like when we bought the house � they didn't like that we were buying a manufactured house and that we wouldn't own the land it's on. Well, we don't love it either, but for now it's the most economical solution. But FIL kept telling Blue how stupid it was, and MIL kept sending us notices of land for sale in their area. They kept it up until after we moved in, when finally FIL admitted it wasn't a bad place and maybe we'd made the right decision. Argh.

Anyway, enough whining. I'm just glad Blue had grown up enough in the last five years to finally stand up and tell them that these things are his decisions and if they don't like them, too bad. That's a hard thing to be able to do when you've grown up with such domineering people, and I'm really proud that he's able to do it.

And this morning my awesome husband pulled my car out of the driveway and warmed it up for me when he got home from work. All together now�awwwwwww.

9:15 a.m. - January 15, 2002

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