caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tell me lies In general, I have a wonderful husband. He is sweet and kind and affectionate and smart, and he vacuums and does laundry. I'm thankful every day that he's in my life. I am therefore able to understand and completely accept that every now and again my husband is going to make a mistake, and do something completely stupid. Everyone does this; I quite often behave in a rather dorky manner myself. What I cannot understand is what would make him do said dumb thing, not once but several times, leave me to find out about it on my own, and then lie about it. Lie about three times in the space of 24 hours, in a vain attempt, apparently, to cover his ass. The first lie, I didn't doubt in the least. Then, when I was presented with information which led me to believe his initial explanation was untrue and shared this with him, he lied again. Not so convincingly. Then again, last night, he adjusted his explanation again. Completely unconvincingly. When YMB was finally in bed and I was able to let him know just how upset I was, he said he was sorry. I'm not sure if this was a "sorry I lied" apology, or a "sorry I got caught" one. As far as I know, Blue has never lied to me about something like this before. That's what makes me so damned angry. The thing that he did, although dumb, is really no big deal; I would have been perturbed, probably, if he told me, but hardly furious. Last night I was furious. Because one, he lied to me not once but several times, which rather makes me feel like he thinks I'm that stupid. Also, the initial lie set me up to look really stupid in front of other people, which he knew could happen from the beginning. Not a pleasant feeling, and not something I think I will forget right away. When I asked him what he was thinking, he said he was embarrassed. Okay, fine. Understandable. But just last week we had a conversation with YMB about how silly it is to lie about something that can be proved false in a matter of moments, and that's exactly what Blue did. I felt like I was talking to an eight-year-old all over again. It just didn't make any sense. I don't hold grudges. While I have a long memory for insults, usually I'm able to let it go and not worry about it, and not hold it against the person. It's easier for me to let these things go than cause a scene. But this is hard. This is my husband we're talking about, not a friend or distant relative. If he can lie to me that easily over something little, how can I trust that he won't do it again, over something far more important? I tried to be reasonable about it, but I couldn't. I wanted to explain to Blue how awful I felt, how important honesty is to me � I didn't think I needed to explain it, but apparently I do. All I really managed to convey, though, was what he did made me feel completely shitty. And Blue isn't good in arguments; he's non-confrontational, for the most part, and tends to be silent when I need him to talk to me. So after pulling maybe two or three sentences from him, I gave up. I got up � I didn't storm out, but calmly left the room, brushed my teeth and went to bed. I kept thinking maybe he'd come in and talk to me if I gave him a few minutes, but he didn't. He slept on the couch. I was awake for a long time. I kept thinking I would get up and go back in the living room and make him talk to me, but then I thought, you know, that's what I always do when we fight. It seems like I'm always the one who forces the issue, and while I'm not always the first to say "I'm sorry," it does seem like there are a lot of things that would just fester and never come out in the open if I didn't bring them up. I realize it's a personality thing, but it's something Blue has to get over somehow if we don't want to end up with a million petty resentments eating away at us. So I was thinking about that, and decided that I wasn�t going to go in and start the whole thing again. This is a situation entirely of Blue's making, and he can damn well figure out, for once, how to make it better. Because I certainly don't know. 1:12 p.m. - February 01, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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