caerula's Diaryland Diary

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mostly about me

I'm tired of whining about various aches and pains in here, so I'm just going to say now, and get it over with: I hurt. I hurt all over. My legs aren't better, my ankles are twice the normal size, my elbows and neck and back and wrists all feel like they were run over by a herd of elephants. This is why I didn't accomplish anything worthwhile over the weekend and why I haven't put up an entry since Friday.

Okay, that's done. No more talking about pain. This weekend wasn't a total lost. Went to the AAUW sale Friday afternoon and again Saturday morning with my mom (Friday is full price, but the selection is better, Saturday is half price but things start to get picked over). I acquired several very nice things: The Annotated Alice, for $5, all but one of the Julia Quinns I'm missing (still haven't found Minx, damnit), an older Beatrix Potter set to save for Kitty's baby, a 50s Trixie Belden and a 60s Donna Parker (love both those series and if anyone has any old ones who need a home�), and a bunch of paperbacks I can't remember right now. Not a bad haul for $27 bucks.

Okay, now that I'm eating lunch (a bagel and some Better Cheddar's) I can finish this.

Blue was at school orientation all day Saturday, so went back to Mom's and spent the day there with Mom and Grandma. Dad watched YMB in the morning, and we brought home KFC for lunch and then Dad went to work, and shortly thereafter Grandma got up. Apparently she's been staying up half the night and sleeping until two or so, which means she's all up and chipper just as Mom needs to rest. My mother is a saint, I swear. I had to babysat Grandma for like three hours; Mom's done it for over a week. I honestly don't know how she did it. And just from that time I was there, and the couple evenings last week we were over, it's obvious how much worse Grandma is getting. She so obviously has Alzheimer's or some form of dementia; I don't know why we are the only ones in the family to see it.

It's not just the getting-old-and-forgetting-things senioritis. She forgets our names, when we are right in front of her, and tries to cover it up. She does and says really bizarre, inexplicable stuff. She leaves all the tops loose on her medicine bottles and then carries them from room to room (still with the right arm in a cast); on Saturday, predictably, she dropped everything and didn't ask anyone to help her. I wouldn't have known if I didn't come into the room and see her on the floor painfully trying to separate all the 900 pills from each other. She got really angry with me when I took over. She yells at her little chihuahua dog and keeps him locked in his crate almost all the time, even though he really is the sweetest thing when he's out; he just curls up on a pillow, or plays with a toy. He only seems to be yappy when he's locked up, and you know, I would yap too. But she won't give the dog up, even though Mom would love to have him and offered several times this week to take him. Grandma says he's a good companion. How, I fail to see.

So anyway, Saturday was interesting, if not always in a good way.

Saturday night, came home and crashed. Blue had to work, and YMB and I both were exhausted. He was ornery because of it, and I finally got him in bed around 10. I think I went to bed myself then, I can't really remember. I know I didn't sleep well, because I finished at least one of the books I'm reading and also wrote some on one of the WIPs. I seem to write better, or at least more prolifically, at night � I'm not sure why this is. Less inhibitions, perhaps? I'm not quite as on top of things, so I don't think quite so hard about it, so I'm more willing to let it all out on paper and worry about what it reads like later. I think I might have hit on something there. So I'm keeping a notebook and pencil next to the bed now, for those times like Saturday night when I wake up and can't go back to sleep, and need to do something. But don't really want to get out of bed.

Sunday was not good. I was feeling very bad (see opening paragraph, above) and didn't, couldn't do much of anything. Blue had a turnover shift, poor guy, so he got home at 7:30, slept til 2, then worked 3-11. Sigh. One more year. So YMB and I were left our own devices. He was in an ornery mood, ready to disagree with anything I said, so I basically left him along. He watched much tv. He played outside with his friends the Trendy Girls (due to their oh-so-fashionable names), and I even let the TGs come in to play, since YMB would whine and get up set and pout if I said no. Not that I normally would care, if I didn't want anyone in the house, but I was too tired to deal with it. To their credit, everyone did help in the clean-up, and I got to watch Indiana Jones on Bravo in relative peace.

I didn't even have enough energy to play Zoo Tycoon, although I did do some clean-up and organizing in the sewing room and had a nice chat with SWWooP on AIM later, mostly about our respective writing. It was really helpful, actually � not that SWWooP's advice isn't usually help, but that it made me think I lot more about my style and my problems with getting blocked. I have three works-in-progress right now, all still in the beginning stages, and all three look to be novel-length stories. Except perhaps one that could turn into something shorter that I could submit. I want to finish up something � a beginning, at least � that I can submit for critiques and things.

I did actually get to see my husband on Sunday night, although promptly broke down in tears when he asked me how I was doing. I did it too him again, last night. It's just that I'm so tired I feel dysfunctional and absolutely hopeless. And don't tell me to get more sleep, or exercise, or whatever � I do all those things, as much as I can, but unfortunately this bone-deep killing fatigue is something that come with fibromyalgia. It might get better or worse, but it's not going to go away, ever. I have to figure out how to deal with it.

Yesterday I went to Jo-Ann's after work, as a treat for myself, since had to go to that shopping strip anyway, to pick up a prescription and deposit a check (this place has a Meijers, Target, our bank, JoAnns, and Babies-R-Us, with a Lowe's and a Steak and Shake across the street. How great is that?) Although I discovered on the drive over there that the Bill Knapp's we always go to is closed. Apparently, suddenly, all the Bill Knapp's are gone. This is very tragic. Those of you not familiar with Knapp's will not understand how tragic this is. Imagine the East Coast with no Starbucks, or the South without Shoney's. Not great, but always there, always dependable. I am deeply saddened.

Anyway, I went to Jo-Ann's because I have decided to learn to crochet. I know, like I need another hobby. (Shut up, SWWooP.) But on Saturday my mom showed me this teeny baby sweater she's working on � I'd forgotten she knows how to crochet, but we had all sorts of crocheted stuff as kids � and I looked through a couple of her pattern books. They have the cutest little things, and I decided I just needed to learn to do it. Besides, it's easy to carry around and great to do in front of the tv or something, which is not so true for quilting, and cross-stitch has been making my hands hurt lately, what with the little tiny needle. I found a great beginner's book, actually intended for kids so there are big pictures and very simple interactions, along with really adorable projects. A daisy chain garland, hair wraps, a winter hat � so cute. People may be getting my clumsy first attempts as Christmas presents. Forewarned is forearmed, right? And I bought variegated, bright-colored yarn (what else), and a couple other things I really don't need (some stickers, Halloween decorations, some clearanced thread�)

Of course, not thinking, I went there first, and got to Target just after the pharmacy closed. Blahsuck. And I was so tired I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ANYTHING. For the first time in perhaps my entire life, I left Target with purchasing anything. By that time, I just wanted to sleep. So I got home about 7 and the boys weren't home � YMB had his first day of gymnastics, which apparently he really likes, and then they went to look at a car Blue likes (an 84 VW Cabriolet � any comments?) Honest to God, I watched Jeopardy, tried to read laying on the couch, gave up, and went to bed. Not even enough energy to make myself something to eat. They got home around 8:30 and I was almost out, but not enough that they didn't wake me up coming in. Oh well. I stayed in bed, they came in and talked to me, YMB went to bed, and I ended up sobbing all over Blue again. It was one of those times where I couldn't pinpoint anything exactly wrong, I just felt so tired and scattered that I couldn't get things under control.

Blue is telling me he wants me to start going for therapeutic massage. Although it sounds lovely, and probably would help with my pain more than almost anything else right now, it's so expensive. This is what I told Blue, that we really can't afford it, and he said "We can't afford for you to be like this every night. I want you to feel better." He's going to talk to his instructor about it tonight, and see if he has any recommendations, so we'll see. The other thing I've thought about trying is acupuncture, which is supposed to provide a lot of pain relief for fibromyalgia and arthritis sufferers. Also very expensive, and of course not covered by insurance. Which apparently only recognizes Western medicine, not realizing that Western medicine has been killing people for maybe hundreds of years (not that it doesn't save people too), while Asian medicine dates back thousands. Whatever.

So I'm here, and tired, and can't leave earlier & make it up later due to stupid new rules. It's three now, but I wrote the rest of this at lunchtime, and I don't feel much more awake now than I did then. Ugh. Need. Sleep.

3:10 p.m. - September 17, 2002

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