caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good in Bed I am feeling incredibly blah already this morning. It's raining, again, and I know the fact the we haven't seen actual warm sun in something like a week has completely affected my outlook on life. I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head, reading with a flashlight like I did when I was nine. I made BigBlue laugh last night like I haven't in quite a while. Afterwards I realized how long it had been since I made a conscious effort to cheer him up, and I'm going to do more of it in the future. Making people laugh is an important part of who I am. It validates me somehow. And to the person who is most important to me, I've somehow stopped trying. Partly, I think, bc with him I can't pretend, like I can most everywhere else, that everything is just fine. He knows it's not, and it feels like cheating to pretend it is. Anyway, he was playing PS2 and getting upset, as usual, like the game was out to get him personally when it doesn't cooperate. Usually this really bugs me, but last night I was ignoring it pretty well. Finally I said something like, "The game does not have a personal vendetta against you." BB: "Well, it feels like it." [pout] Me: "You are very weird." BB: "Never said I wasn't." Me: "That's ok, though, 'cause you're good in bed." BB stared at me for a moment, and then fell over laughing. Actually, it surprised me how funny he found it, but I really don't say things like that too often, and it still surprises him when I do. That made me feel much better about the whole evening, which hadn't been going too well up to that point. Today Dementors #1 and #3 are coming to pick up YoungBlue for the weekend. So not looking forward to that, I hate that BB isn't there now when they come. Just having those people in my house, or even hovering at the door (they rarely actually come in) feels like a violation, to me. Not that there's anything we can do about it right now. I want this all to be over with so much. The thing is, it will never really be *over*. Those people will always be a part of YB's life, as long as he chooses for them to be. Who knows if they will drive him away or suck him in? Right now all he knows is they are his family, and they love him, and that somehow they are less able to deal with life without him then we are. Poor kid feels so responsible for their happiness, and that is so wrong. One way or another, they are setting him up for major heartbreak, and I think that is what makes me hate them the most. Going to a quilt show tomorrow with Mom. Am looking forward to that. And so to work. 7:31 a.m. - 2001-06-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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