caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- flowers, birds and frogs In a time-wasting google search today, I found these random bits of information. There is a plant with the scientific name caranache caerula, also called Cupid's dart, which , according to a random gardening website, has "short-lived blue flowers," and another called Nemesia caerula complex, common name Cinnabar. Also a vine, passiflora caerula, AKA "blue passion flower," which I rather like. There's also a bird, Halonaena Caerulea, AKA the blue petrol, which lives in New Zealand. All of which information means absolutely nothing except that I'm bored, feeling ill, and stuck at work with not much too do besides proofing, which makes my eyes hurt. It's poetic justice, I suppose, that I feel really sick today, after playing hooky yesterday, so I dragged myseld in. Grandma Boss told me I could have stayed home another day, but that would have made me feel really guilty. Ooh, just found Litoria Caerula, a green tree frog. Why caerula, if it's green? Guilt is a major issue for me. I constantly feel guilty about something or other, and am just as likely to feel guilty about something utterly out of my control as I am about something I actually did wrong. I don't know why this is such a problem. It's not like I had one of those families where everything one does is wrong; everyone was generally fairly supportive, and when they weren't they left me alone because they trusted me to function. (That's a whole other journal entry.) And yes, I've done a few things I'm not at all proud of, but relatively few, I think, and nothing to cause the suffocating guilt and worry I get so often. It's just in my wiring, I suppose. Just got a call from our lawyer. She took depositions from the Dementors yesterday, and wanted to fill me in and clear up a couple of things. As expected, they are trying to show that our home is an unstable place for YB, due to BB's "losing his job" -- he got laid off in November, which was hardly his fault, and has another job now, a better one -- and, of course, they are playing that I'm emotionally and mentally unstable, due to the fact that I left my media specialist job in January and went on medical leave while I was being treated for depression. Never mind, of course, that I was functioning quite well by the time YB came to live with us, that he's never seen me really depressed, that I am far happier in my current position, etc. I am clearly so much less stable than a couple of people who would take their daughter's child from her, keep him from his father, make him think he's unhealthy and might die because he has asthama, and emotionally blackmail and manipulate him into believing that his dad is an awful person for wanting YB to live with him. Testifying at the hearing is really not going to be a good experience. I'll have to get up there and go into all my health problems of last year and this winter, my mental, emotional, and physical state, and our fertility problems. With all of their horrid family and friends in the courtroom looking on, thinking that I'm crazy and that I've latched on to YB because I can't have kids (which we don't know for sure yet, anyway). I don't care what they think of me, because I think less than nothing of them. I do care that they can make me go through this when it could have been prevented long ago, when BB first asked for custody of his child. I definitely think it's time for lunch now. I won't make it through this day without some immediate sustenance. And I've still got half a day's work to go, a meeting with my counselor, and a quilting design class. And I'm getting a sore throat. Can I go back to bed now?
10:16 a.m. - 2001-06-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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