caerula's Diaryland Diary

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the moon and saint christopher

I bought the new Mary Chapin Carpenter CD Sunday and am listening to it at the moment, but am vaguely disappointed by it. It has nice catchy music, but nothing on it matches the joy of "Halley Came to Jackson" or the bittersweetness of "This Shirt" & "Only a Dream" or even the exuberance of "I Take My Chances" & "Jubilee." I've always liked the introspective quality of Carpenter's music, but there's such a think as too much self-examination. Why is the old stuff always better? Why can't someone, just once, make an album or write a book that measures up?

Just for the hell of it, here are the words to one of my favorite songs, ever. It happens to have been written by Mary Chapin Carpenter, back when I felt like she was writing about my life.

When I was young I spoke like a child, I saw with a child's eyes
And an open door was to a girl like the stars are to the sky
It's funny how the world lives up to all your expectations
With adventures for the stout of heart and the lure of the open spaces
There's two lanes running down this road and whichever side you're on
Accounts for where you want to go or what you're running from
Back when darkness overtook me on a blind man's curve
I relied upon the moon, I relied upon the moon
I relied upon the moon and St. Christopher

Now I've paid my dues 'cause I have owed them
But I've paid a price sometimes
For being such a stubborn woman in such stubborn times
I have run from the arms of lovers, I've run from the eyes of friends
I've run from the hands of kindness, I've run just because I can

But now I've grown and I speak like a woman
And I see with a woman's eyes
And an open door is to me now like to the saddest of goodbyes
When it's too late for turning back I pray for the heart and the nerve
And I rely upon the moon, I rely upon the moon
I rely upon the moon and St. Christopher
To be my guide

YoungBlue is leaving today to spend the next week and a half with his mom. Well, nominally with his mom; it remains to be seen how much time he actually spends with her and her other kids and the boyfriend (now apparently the fiance, even though her divorce isn't final yet and she claims to be a good Catholic), and how much of that time is actually spent staying at the Dementors.'

I hate that he's going to be there. I hate that we are once again going to miss his birthday; never in his life has BigBlue got to spend his son's birthday with him. I hate that when he's at his mom he'll be exposed to who-knows-what and will have to sleep on the floor of his younger brothers' room because there's no other place for him.

And yet, I am looking forward to a few days of peace and quiet. To evenings alone while BB is at work, and nights with just each other, not having to worry about the child in the next room. To be able to discuss all this without having to whisper or stop talking when YB enters the room. Watch what I want to on tv and not argue over who's turn it is on the computer. Read a book without interruption. And inevitably I feel guilty for looking forward to it, because I hate so much that it's because he's going to be with the Dementors. Odd to think that it wasn't that long ago I had all those things in my life, and was so terribly lonely. Still, a break will be nice.

Last night we had a combined birthday party for SmartKid, who was 12 last week, YB, who will be 8 on Friday, and Bubbles, 5 next week. To many cousins' birthdays all at once. It fell to me to bring cake and ice cream, and I was instructed that I had to bring more than one cake, as Bubbles was traumatized at potentially not having her own candles to blow out. Not something I had time to deal with, so I brought cupcakes. SmartKid ate one, YB didn't eat any, and Bubbles and her sister had to peel the frosting off theirs and then nibbled. What a waste.

The three birthday kids did a great job sharing their party. They took turns opening presents, remembered to say thank you to everyone, and were quite well behaved. Bubbles' sister the Diva had problems, of course. She had to sit right next to Bubbles during the present opening, and help her unwrap if Bubbles wasn't going fast enough to suit her. She ignored her mom when she was told to leave Bubbles alone. She whined and pouted when her treat bag didn't contain a punching ballon like SmartKid's sister's did. This child is eight years old; she is certainly old enough to be over this jealously stuff by now, especially considering she still gets way more attention than Bubbles. Bubbles is so good natured that she doesn't notice or care when the Diva tries to steal her spotlight, but if this behavior is allowed to continue I see major problems looming. It's the same problems I had with Kitty when we were growing up; she made the trouble so she got the attention, while I just went along and didn't do anything wrong, and so got ignored much of the time. It's not surprising that the cousin everyone always said Kitty reminded them of is mom to the Diva and Bubbles. It's really frightening to see these same family dramas played out generation after generation. Mom and her siblings; Dad and his sister; said sister's kids, Bubbles' mom and SmartKid's dad; me and Kitty and MinnieMouse, and now the Diva and Bubbles, and SmartKid and his sister. Same problems, over and over and over. I do hope that if we have kids, I will be able to avoid pitting them against each other. Knowing the problem doesn't mean we can solve it, or avoid it altogether, but I hope it will at least help.

8:00 a.m. - 2001-06-26

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