caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pointless Goddamn it all to hell. I just spent a good 20 minutes crying and hyperventilating in the bathroom at work. Now I'm back in my little cubicle hoping to god that no one walks by since it's fairly obvious one, that I'm a total wreck and two, that I'm getting no work done. I actually got quite a bit done this morning, since I was focusing on that to the exclusion of everything else. But when I stopped for lunch I just lost it. Now I can't get back in the groove at all, I was sitting here scrolling microfilm and was just watching the images roll by, forgetting what I was looking for completely. I am an absolute freaking mess. Blue being canned was just the last straw. I was already walking that tightrope, with all the stress from moving, and sending YMB back off to the Dementors for a week, and feeling lousy all the time anyway. This is just one thing too much. I couldn't function at all most of the day yesterday and I am being a total bitch to everyone. Mom and Dad wanted us to come over for dinner and I made Blue call to tell them we couldn't make it; Blue went to pick up a paper and some staples like bread and cheese (for which he cleaned out the change drawer and took back all the pop bottles) and I wouldn't go with him. I lay on the couch pretty much all afternoon shaking and in tears. I haven't been able to speak to anyone at work and when GB came in and asked if everything was ok I said "no" without looking up from the desk and she went away. It's ridiculous. It's not affecting Blue like this; he obviously doesn't feel great about it but he's fairly confident that he'll find something soon, and he's able to throw himself into other things to take his mind off it. He kept saying yesterday that if we did some more work in the apartment we'd feel better. It made me want to throw something at him. At this point nothing is going to make me feel better until he gets a decent job. Everything seems so absolutely pointless. I can't help but feel like something else awful will happen and we'll lose the house; everytime something decent happens to us something else comes along and kicks us back down, so what's the point of looking forward to and getting ready for anything? If Blue's out of work more than a couple of weeks we won't be able to pay even our first house payment. What, then, is the point? Our finances are already so tight. My medical leave this past winter ate up most of our savings, and buying the house, even with only a 5% down payment, took everything else we had and more besides. We've been paycheck to paycheck for so long I can't remember what it was like to have savings. And now this. We have no backup, nothing to draw on; we can't ask my parents to help us anymore, they've done so much, and Blue's parents wouldn't even if they could. That's just not how they are. Blue has one more check coming and I get paid this week, thank god, but that will just tide us over and pay the bills that are already late. Even if he finds something soon it'll be three or four weeks before he gets paid again. Oh god. I never thought this would be me. Never thought I'd be living hand-to-mouth, weighing the cost of paying the $15 copay on my anti-depressant that staves off the panic attacks against whether we have enough bread and macaroni & cheese to get us through the week. We've never had much money, but always enough, and sometimes a little more, enough for extras and vacations and decent clothes sometimes. Now I debate whether I should buy that $4 shirt on clearance at Target for YMB, and try to explain why he can't have all the stuff here that he has at his grandparents. And when he gets back on Monday we'll be explaining why we're not going on vacation like we told him, and why he can't get a new lunchbox and backpack for school, while inside we're worrying that we won't be able to afford lunch, never mind a lunchbox. FUCK. I have a master's degree, goddamnit. I should be making enough to support us even if Blue's not working. And the irony of it is, paying off the goddamn degree is half of why we're in such bad shape already. And I'm already so damn sick and tired of the sympathy. It's why I couldn't go over to the parents yesterday; Mom would be all sympathetic and Dad would be lecturing Blue on what we should do now. I couldn't take it. We had enough of it last winter, with Blue in and out of work and me on medical, until I thought I would tear my hair out. I can't take it again. I just can't. 12:08 p.m. - 2001-08-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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