caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- take two tranqs and call me in the morning Had a nasty evening last night. It was one of those times when mega depression smacked me basically out of nowhere. I worked late and got home about 7, absolutely exhausted, and limping because the stupid blister on my toe burst and hurt like hell. I felt okay, though -- I quizzed YMB on his spelling, listened to him read for his proscribed 20 minutes, and then I was paying bills and working on the computer, while Blue did laundry and cleaned up the kitchen. I couldn't get the damned thing to print, the paper kept jamming, and then I just burst into tears. I hate that. Couldn't explain to Blue what was wrong, because I didn't know myself, and YMB was trying to make me feel better and I snapped at him. So then I was mad at myself, of course, which made it all worse. It was one of those times when everything lousy that's happened just swamps me. I was looking at the pictures Blue picked up from our housewarming and Halloween, and it seemed really obvious to me how much weight I've gained this year, so that made me feel lousy, and I ended up blubbering to Blue how icky and ugly and blobby I feel, being in pain all the time and not feeling like doing anything active. I feel like I'm accomplishing precisely nothing. Of course today I know this isn't true, but that really doesn't help when you're having a pity party. I ended up in a full-blown panic attack, which I haven't had in quite a while. I had to take two Xanax before I finally stopped hyperventilating and shaking. Blue told YMB I had a headache and needed to lie down -- YMB knows I have an illness that makes me get headaches and the shakes, but that's all he knows -- I'm not going to try to explain anxiety disorders to him at this point, and I certainly don't want him to see me all upset. So I took my meds and went to bed, and eventually I was able to sleep. The good thing is that the Xanax, being a tranquilizer, generally lets me sleep through the night. So I did get a good nine hours in, and though I felt a bit groggy this morning I do feel a tad more cheerful. Sometimes I just let everything overwhelm me, and between bills and feeling so sore in all my joints, the computer not cooperating was just the final straw. I have a slight headache this morning -- I usually do after these episodes -- but I'm listening to soothing music through my headphones while I work and I am feeling better. Tonight we're going to get the Christmas decorations out. That always makes me feel good. 10:46 a.m. - 2001-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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