caerula's Diaryland Diary

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subversive crafts

Bah. I'm at work, to make up for taking last Tuesday off due to the snow day. And I can't get my files to upload to OCLC, for some reason, which is what I came in to do in the first place. Anyway, I stole this link from nightngale because it totally made my day. Subersive Cross Stitch. How awesome. I would love to stitch up "Bite Me" or "Do Not Fuck With Me" and put it up in my cubicle, but I have the feeling that wouldn't exactly go over well. Damnit.

12:02 p.m. - February 01, 2004

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toddlers, knitting needles, and fathers. oy.

After a fairly crappy work week, I had a really nice weekend for a change. Blue had Friday and Saturday night off, which is rare, and was in a good (and rather frisky) mood. Spent Saturday house-cleaning and organizing; my craft room is almost back into a usable space. Made a decent chunk on my Ebay sales that ended Friday, which will go right into the savings account (slowly, slowly growing). Passed out cold on the couch by nine Saturday night, which I think both disappointed Blue and injured him slightly � he claims his arm is still all pins and needles from where I was sleeping on him. Heh.

Sunday finally brought a lovely visit with nightngale, which we've already rescheduled several times since she moved back to the area. So thrilled to finally meet her and her little ones, and they drove ages to come see me, which is really awfully gratifying. She�s the sweetest thing ever and her little girl is just a hoot and a half; the baby is adorable, of course, with an amazingly happy temperament and a perpetually surprised and somewhat concerned expression. Pearl, not at all shy, plopped herself down in my lap (when she would sit still) and chatted and cuddled, giving me a great kid fix for the week and a renewed baby lust. Much as I adore babies, it�s the toddlers that really get me; talking, exploring, questioning everything, reciprocating cuddles and kisses. I missed all of that with YMB, It just makes me ache. But I was thrilled that she took to me so well; it�s awfully fun to be the recipient of a little one�s affection. She even rejected mommy�s hand to hold mine when we walked across the parking lot to the restaurant. Aww. N.herself is so sweet and open, and I know she has no idea what a cool person she is. (You are!) She even brought me yarn and knitting needles.(Cause, you know, I need a new hobby.)

My dad stopped by later in the evening; Mom and Minnie are up north for the weekend with Kitty, and dad always seems to get into a funk when Mom is gone. He just doesn�t function well on his own anymore. He managed to thoroughly depress me by talking about his most recent visit with his mom, crazy Grandma, how old and worn-out he�s feeling and how it doesn�t seem like any time at all since we were babies (he got a little weepy here); there�s not really much one can say to any of that, unfortunately. When he gets like that we�ve learned to just nod and try to change the subject. Dad does tend to go off on one (incredible depressing) subject after another. Fortunately Blue got home shortly thereafter � he�d been out at his parents all day � and we were able to redirect the conversation to that of Blue�s dad, who is going into his third week of chemo. FIL is feeling pretty good, actually, and is getting around a little better than he was, which meant that he spent the day directing Blue in all the little things that needed to be done around the house which he hasn�t been up to doing. I�m sure it was less than fun for poor Blue, but it made for some entertaining stories. FIL is not the type to relinquish control easily.

And now it�s back to the grind, accompanied by lovely freezing rain and sleet. We�ve had winter storm warnings all day, complete with newscasters whipping themselves into a frenzy and zooming �Storm Alert� graphics. People, for gawd�s sake, it�s Michigan. It�s winter. I really don�t understand why this is such a surprise every year. I don�t particularly like it, but it�s not exactly like I�m shocked that it�s cold and icy. Drr. It�s January.

I scanned in a bunch of old pictures yesterday while I was waiting for N.�s arrival, and have uploaded a few of them.

Me. I remember those pajamas. I loved them. They had those perfect feet for sliding on the kitchen floor.
Me again. My mom had that cake pan for years. We all had bear cakes at least once.
My grandparents, when they were dating. Probably 1940-41 or so.

7:30 p.m. - January 26, 2004

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Books, tv, and fallopian tubes

I guess I just haven�t had much to say this week. After last Thursday�s rant, I did have a nice little turn-around; both the doctor's office and the study people called me that afternoon. Maybe it was my angry karma waves. Anyway, I got the information I needed from the nurse, and the study people were able to slot me into a Saturday cancellation. So Saturday afternoon I got to drive downtown Detroit in a snowstorm; that was fun. It's not a bad drive, about 35 minutes from where we live, but the roads were treacherous and I wasn�t totally sure where I was going. I did make it just barely on time and the people I met were extremely nice, a technician and (I think) a resident. They drew some blood and took my medical history, all the while chatting, giving me lots of information and really going a long way to make me comfortable with this whole thing. I have to go back for the HSG before I'll know if they accept me into the study, but that has to wait until days 6-10 of my next cycle, which I just missed this time around. Hard to believe after all the medical crap I've been through they've never done a simple HSG to see if my tubes are blocked; the doctor three years ago found massive scar tissue in my uterus and pronounced the dreaded word "endometriosis" without bothering to check further. Then the RE diagnosed PCOS but never did any other tests to back it up, and convinced us to go right to invasive and totally non-fruitful (no fruit for Caerula!) fertility treatments. Makes me crazy to think about it now, but I didn't know any better. I hope this time around proves to be more enlightening.


In pursuit of mindless entertainment in the meantime, I've been sucked into watching "American Idol" this week. I ought to be ashamed, I suppose, but whatever. It's entertaining, and it provides excellent snarkage opportunities. On a slightly more highbrow note, after reading the Sharon Shinn ARC last week I went out and bought the rest of the Samaria books in paperback (except for Angelica, which isn�t in pb yet) and devoured all three in a matter of days. Highly, highly recommended. Nifty premise, amazingly detailed world-building, great characters; just all-around excellent. I think Jovah's Angel, the second book, is my favorite, aside from the ARC, Angel-Seeker, which comes out in March. All incredible, however. Can't say enough about them. Obviously.

And now it's back to reading crappy ARCs for the next three weeks. Sigh. It's worth it, though, when I stumble across someone like Shinn.

10:43 a.m. - January 21, 2004

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if I had the BALLS, I wouldn't be having these problems in the first place

Yay, it's another entry about Caerula's reproductive system!


I wish I were as ballsy as getupgrrl. My life is currently plagued by people who refuse to return my phone calls, and it�s driving me insane. If I had the nerve to call them and go off on their asses, my life would probably be a little easier.

Here�s the deal. Last fall sometime I found out about an ongoing study regarding PCOS and pregnancy. I was interested, less for the potential of getting pregnant than for the chance to have some seriously reputable doctors take a look at my uncooperative body parts and give me an opinion. The variety of doctors I�ve seen so far � my GP, two different OB/GYNs, and an RE (alphabet soup, anyone?) have given me, oh, four different opinions on my chances of conceiving, from cautiously optimistic to extremely negative, all based on an exploratory laparoscopy I had three and a half years ago. I�ve been pushing for another lap, which my insurance won�t pay for since I already have a diagnosis, because I have my doubts about the doctor who did the first lap and I�d like a new assessment of the scar tissue and endometrial stuff just on the off chance that anything has changed. The study is for various drug combinations, but before they start you on anything they do the tests to see if your tubes are open and to assess the nature of your PCOS, and that sounds like a damn good idea to me, particularly since they�ll do it for free. Anyway, so, last fall, I couldn�t participate in this study because my rheumatologist had started me on methotrexate, and you absolutely positively cannot become pregnant while taking metho. So I couldn�t qualify for the study, because there's always the slim chance that it would actually work and I'd get pregnant.

Well, I got an email last week from one of the people doing the study that they were starting up another round, and was I still interested? Thought about it, discussed it with Blue, and decided that yes, I am. While I think we�ve come to terms fairly well with the distinct possibility that I�ll never get pregnant, I�m not ready to give up completely, particularly given my suspicion that the doctors have not exactly been particularly helpful in my case. I stopped taking methotrexate (without my doctor�s knowledge) in December. It wasn't really a conscious decision; I forgot my weekly dose one week, and felt pretty decent nevertheless, and decided to see how I felt without it in the short term. I called the rheumatologist at that time to discuss this; left two messages with the nurse, who promised to talk to the doctor and get back with me. All that came out of that was an appointment scheduled for late February. I never heard the doctor�s opinion on my stopping the medication; I have no idea if she ever even got the message. But I�ve still felt pretty good, and my blood tests have been fine, and so I haven�t gone back on it, which has the added benefit of not having to go back on BCPs, which has the extreme added benefit of not making me INSANE. Which benefits everyone, really, not just me.

So, last Thursday, I called the clinic doing the study and left a message that I�d gotten this email, and yes, I was interested, and could someone call me back because I had some questions. I also called my rheumatologist�s office and left a message that I had some questions about meds. The nurse there called me back by the end of the day, and I explained that I was off methotrexate, had been off for a while but had never gotten the doctor�s opinion on that, and I needed to know exactly how long I had to be off of it before it was safe to start trying to conceive. The rheumatologist doesn�t have my whole reproductive history and all the problems contained therein, but is aware that a) we were having trouble (to put it mildly) conceiving and had had unsuccessful fertility treatments in the past and that b) I have a medical condition that is responsible for this (she didn�t recognize the term �PCOS� when I mentioned it in her office) and that c) part of the reason I was in treatment with her in the first place was to get the auto-immune problems under control so that I was otherwise healthy going into fertility treatments, if we decided to go that route again. Given that history, you�d think that the nurse or someone might look at my chart when I called last week and make an effort to call me back with the information I needed. You would be wrong.

I�ve also not gotten a call back from the clinic about screening for the study. I�m more annoyed about the doctor than the clinic, as the clinic is a far bigger place with probably many more calls to return, but I�m rather peeved about both, actually. So I�m sitting here at work debating whether to call the rheumatologist�s office, but I know I�ll get the smackdown from the obnoxious receptionist, and I won�t want to go into detail because I am, after all, at work, and I don�t particularly want to discuss my reproductive issues with the entire office.

Meanwhile I�m annoyed at myself, because I know this whole thing is part of the reason I�ve been down in the dumps again this week, and I really should know better by now than to let all this get to me. It�s only, you know, my body and my health and my chance to have a baby. Why should I have any control over it whatsoever?

9:22 a.m. - January 15, 2004

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