caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- threads fraying all over the place So, now that I've pretty well gotten myself back together, my marriage may be falling apart. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel. I love Blue, I love YMB, and I want to spend the rest of my life loving them. But right now it pretty much depends on whether or not that is important enough to Blue to give him the incentive and the willingness to get help. Two ugly incidents this weekend, which details I am NOT reliving again, and after both, he hid. Literally. Got in bed and pulled the covers over his head and refused to deal with it. Very mature. Communication is the basis of our problems, and he won't talk to me. "I don't know what to say" he says. "Say anything," I say. "Say what mad you mad in tenth grade. Talk about when you were most happy, when you were sad, what it feels like when you're so angry that you feel the need to do these stupid things you do. The first time I went to counseling, when I was first diagnosed with depression and panic disorder, the thing I remember talking about was how it still bothered me that when I was in junior high this group of girls used to walk behind me in the halls and make fun of my socks and the way I walk. Everything else spilled from there. It doesn't have to be about all the sucky stuff that is going on now; it can be what sucked 10 years ago, when YMB was conceived and you didn't know about it for a year and a half. It can be what sucked when you were in high school and your dad never came to your football games. It can be not being accepted into the Army out of high school because your eyes were too bad and floating for years, never quite deciding what to be when you grow-up." Start somewhere, Blue, please. Because I don't want a marriage to end over this, a child to go back to neurotic grandparents, and I don't want my life without you and YMB in it. But if that's what it takes for me to take care of myself, that's what I will do. Because I can't stay with someone who is angry and bitter and depressed 90% of the time, who can take a good day and turn it into shit it 10 minutes. He was so good when I was in the hospital, trying so hard to take care of me. But I can't let myself be taken care of all the time just so that he can feel manly, or whatever. I will walk away, with much regret and a broken heart, from someone who is dragging me and his child down with him. And I will call Social Services and recommend YMB go back to the Levanduskys, who at least (I think) have enough money to provide for him. I've seen too much of what untreated mental illness � and I think this all stems from an underlying depression � can do to a family. I've got the crazy depressed grandma who finds no pleasure in anything, and doesn�t want to. She's lived that way for 60 years. I've seen my dad go into black depressions that lasted for weeks, nearly suicidal, until something finally happened that made him decide to seek help. An uncle shot himself in the head in the woods behind his son's backyard, leaving the mess and the note for his son to find, because he was paranoid schizophrenic. Believe me, I've been there and seen the damage. And I won't go through it all over again. I don't want to leave Blue lost in this, but if he won't let himself be helped, there's nothing I can do but leave or be dragged into it, until he decides he himself is willing and able to change. I suppose some would say that's what I should do, let him drag me down so we can both work it out, but that's not something I can do again. For the first time in I don't know how long I feel emotionally and mentally healthy. I can breathe myself out of a panic attack. I'm not using Xanax. Ok, I'm not sleeping well, but I do have some family stress going on here. I love you, Blue. YMB loves you. You're the only dad he will ever have. Whatever happens, you always will be. Someday (God forbid) maybe I'll be some woman Dad used to be married to, but you'll be Dad, always. You have to be willing and want to do this for yourself, but we have a vested interest too, you know. If we are not important enough to give you an incentive, or at least part of one, than there isn't anything I can do to fix us, and I won't stay with someone I don't feel safe with. I can't have a baby with that someone. I don't even know how long it's been since I mentioned anything having to do with babies to him. I'm scared to, and that can't be right. That's all there is to it. And I am prepared this time, to back it up. If I don't come home from work one night this week, if I end up on a friend's couch somewhere, I'll send you this link, and you'll know why. Maybe it will just make you angrier, so this time you kick through the wall. Maybe it'll make you kick the cat you dislike so much across the room. But maybe it will make you stop and think, since obviously nothing I've said has. 11:58 a.m. - July 15, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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