caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuck Christ. Goddamnit. Fuck fuck fuck. Things are bad. Things are far worse than I'd let myself realize. I've got Blue and half my friends and my mom telling me we should go on vacation as planned, just be careful with money. Because that's something Blue's proven himself so damned good at. I've got Swwoop (whose advice I respect more than almost anyone I can think of) uninviting us, and my Dad and the other have of my friends telling us it would be insane of us to go. I'm so damned torn. I spent an hour yesterday when I went to my parents to pick up YMB listening to my dad yell at me, which he hasn't done in I don't know how long. Telling me how irresponsible and idiotic I was being and I was never like this before I got married, I used to know how to manage my money and obviously Blue doesn't have a clue and I'm letting him drag me down with him, blah blah blah. He bailed us out again, so that our account isn't overdrawn, but yelled about it for 20 minutes. I kept trying to tell him I only came to pick up YMB and calm down a little before I went home to talk to Blue. Really not very calming, being told how our only option is bankruptcy and that if we can't communicate about money we should just give up now. I know in his way he was trying to be helpful, but repeating these things over and over about how when they were first married he worked three jobs, blah blah blah, stuff I've heard forever, practically telling me I should leave my husband � all it did was practically send me into another breakdown. I've been on the edge of tears ever since and I'm sitting here at work again wondering if I'll make it through the day, which damnit, is going to get me fired as many half-days as I've taken lately. And such a headache � god. That's what you get for crying all day, I know. I just want it to go away. Putting myself in a situation where I'm torn between my dad and my husband -- that's joyful. Christ. Without going into major specifics, Blue has spent a lot of money lately, on things I'm not really sure we actually needed or not. I was having a little something called a nervous breakdown, you know, and was not in the position to monitor finances like I normally do. I know it's nearly impossible for Blue to get a bill out on time, but you know, when you're falling apart emotionally, it's just not high priority. I was stupid and assumed he was keeping things balanced because he said he was, so I went and spent 30 bucks here and 50 bucks there, trying to find decent summer clothes that fit me since I've gained weight and a few things for vacation. I've returned practically everything I bought, but that doesn't seem to make a difference at all somehow. I tried to talk to Blue last night about not going on vacation, saving that money instead, and he refused to listen. Really. Got more and more upset with me when I tried to bring it up, so I eventually gave up. I feel like he's pulling a Kitty, one of those pulling the sheet over your head and pretending nothing is as bad as it is seems. That seems to work for my sister. Somehow, it doesn't make things work out for us. Yeah, he gets paid on Friday and that would cover things. Yes, we have the refund from the washer/dryer coming. Yes, we've got some money coming from the Amazon book sales, and I get paid next week. But I realized a long time ago that we should be saving this money; the way things look now we will never get anything paid off, never be able to afford a baby, and could lose YMB again if we go into bankruptcy and the Dementors can prove we can't afford take care of him. Blue can't or won't believe any of this. He thinks if we take back all of YMB's birthday presents � probably $100, maybe a little more � and then go buy everything back next Thursday, when I get paid, then that will solve the immediate money problem. Um, is it me, or is that kind of insane? This is typical. He keeps coming up with short term solutions that make him feel like things are going to be ok. , and I want to go along to make him feel better Which I know is stupid, but god, what percentage of marriages is it that end in divorce over financial issues? I don't want that to be us. Before I got married, I had student loan payments, rent, groceries, the occasional credit card bill. I managed, and usually had money left over and some in savings. Since then, we've depleted our savings, maxed out all the credit cards, and are living paycheck to paycheck, barely able to pay the bills. I just don't know what to do. Or rather I do, but I don't know how to make Blue listen. If I end up leaving him over this � and god forgive me, I've thought about it � he'll lose YMB back to the dementors. No question. I'll lose YMB, and probably never see him again. I can't deal with that. I think that's the thing that would finally break me, I really do. He may be the only child I have. How can I do this to him, put him in this position? Yeah, he'd be disappointed about not going on vacation. He'd tell the Dementors and they'd have this little bit of ammunition against us. But that hardly compares to the ammunition they'd have if we were separated, or if we filed for bankruptcy. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. And Blue tells me not to worry about it. Jesus Christ. If he could live inside my head for a minute � I don't know, he'd probably go over the edge that I'm hanging precariously on to. He just can't think that far ahead, and I just can't help projecting. P.S. � Natalie, sorry for practically hanging up on you yesterday when I'd asked you to call. It was just a really bad time. I will talk to you soon. Later: It's a damn good thing I have an appointment with the psychiatrist later today. Because you know what keeps running through my head? I have damned good life insurance through work. Blue could pay off everything and have money to send YMB to college. I've been suicidal before in my life and I've never actually done it, ok? Don't worry. Don't write in my guestbook or email me and tell me how much life is worth living. I know things might actually get better. I have a doctor's appointment tonight. But I just needed to write it down, ok, so that maybe it would stop looping through my head. 10:10 a.m. - June 19, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||