caerula's Diaryland Diary
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hanging in.
So thankfully things seem to be working out over at Maria's -- sometimes things do work out for the right people.
I've spent the last couple of days off work, hanging out with Kitty and Squirt at my mom's. I had a really rough weekend and couldn't go see them Sunday when they got here, as I intended too, but since then things have been better. I had a couple of teary moments yesterday watching Kitty and Squirt play, seeing Squirt reach his arms out for his mama and wondering if I'll ever have that. But I'm trying just to enjoy the time off and the baby cuddles. He's such a fun baby, with a very strong personality.
YMB left Friday for his week in Florida with the Dementors, and I'm sure that added to my blues this weekend. I miss him so much when he's gone, despite the chance to sleep in and not havinge to listen to the sounds of Xbox all morning on Saturdays. It's much to quiet in the house when he's gone.
Not much else to report. Just hanging in there. Sometimes just by a thread, but I'm hanging.
10:05 a.m. - March 02, 2004
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heartbreaking
We've been thinking more about domestic adoption and exploring some of the options there, now that I've talked to a few people with really good experiences and advice. For one, it would likely be less expensive than international and there would be the amazing possibility of having our child from the very beginning of his or her life. So I've been considering it in a more positive light than I previously have. Then this happens, illustrating exactly why I've been so ambivalent about it. Just reading what happened to Maria and her family breaks my heart and reduces me to tears. I just don't know if I could go through something like that and come out the other side whole and willing to try again.
12:43 p.m. - February 27, 2004
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stability of society my butt
"Ages of experience have taught humanity that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. Marriage cannot be severed from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening the good influence of society." � G.W. Bush
Yeah! You wouldn't want her to grow up in a two-parent home, or anything:
It's all the fault of those damn Canadians, anyway.
2:42 p.m. - February 26, 2004
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not a total loss
Highlights of my week so far:
Finding out that apparently the dead muskrat on top of The Donald�s head is actually his own hair. Every time I watch The Apprentice I can't help obsessing about it, so I'm glad he cleared that up.
Reminding myself that things could be worse: I could be this guy.
Getting four whole pages for my section in the June issue, meaning perhaps my reviews won�t be as ruthlessly edited as usual.
Being grateful for my awesome friends who listened to or read my ranting on Monday and didn�t judge or offer advice, just sympathy, which was exactly what I needed.
Being extremely grateful for my husband and his willingness to just listen, after something that could have gotten ugly Monday night instead turned into a much-needed heart-to-heart.
Applauding the fact that YMB got 98 out of a hundred on his science project about that fascinating element carbon, which caused much gnashing of teeth and hair-tearing in our house last week.
Oh, and then there�s my new boyfriend, the lovely cable guy who came to our door last night to inform us that DSL is now available in our area. Who told us about the introductory special of free installation and reduced rates. Who installed the cable modem and hooked everything up last night while we sat on the couch watching American Idol. Who promised that by the time I get home tonight, we will be online. I wanted to hug him like the guy in that satellite tv commercial. The first six months will be cheaper than what we�re paying now for dial-up, and maybe by the time the special runs out we�ll be able to afford the 40 bucks a month it really costs. Yay!
So the week hasn�t been a total bust, and maybe the rest will go smoothly. This weekend Kitty is coming to visit with Squirt, unaccompanied by the ControlFreak for a change, so yay for nephew time. This is marred only by YMB leaving on Friday for his traditional week in Florida with the Dementors; I�m trying to look on the bright side by concentrating on not having to get up early to get him to band practice on time and watching whatever I want on television for an entire week.
11:32 a.m. - February 25, 2004
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bah
Goddamnit, I have another pregnant lesbian friend. Just got a lovely email with a pic of her and her pregnant belly. I don't I don't I don't begrudge her happiness. So why do I feel like bursting into tears?
11:36 a.m. - February 23, 2004
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budget blahs
Aargh. Just had to call my dad at work and ask to borrow a hundred bucks so that we don�t bounce any checks today. I hate that. I haven�t had to ask in ages, and I thought we were fine, but when I checked the balance this morning it showed that our two largest payments � the house payment and the payment to the credit repair people, that gets distributed to all the people we owe � both showed up over the weekend. The house payment went through fine on Friday, but the credit payment won�t go through today. It would leave us like $120 overdrawn, except that our bank doesn�t pay overdrafts, so it would be returned to them. And they aren�t happy when that happens, and no one gets their payments on time, and everyone is extremely peeved at us. I know, we�re lucky to have parents who are willing and able to help us out. I just hate that at 31 I�m still having to call my dad and ask to borrow money. He didn�t sound exactly thrilled about it either, although he is going to lend it to us. Blue has to go meet Dad at work to get the cash so it can be deposited today, and I expect he�ll get a Dad lecture out of it.
But honestly, we�ve been managing pretty well and are doing a lot better money-wise; it�s just that every once in a while we overextend ourselves. We can pay all of our bills every month, which is a vast improvement over this time last year, but sometimes I still miscalculate and send someone or other too much over what we owe, or tell Blue that we have more money to spend on groceries and whatnot than we really do. We concentrate so much on getting all our debts paid off that occasionally I forget we still need money to do other things, like food and clothes shopping, Kristian�s school stuff ($90 on basketball this year), and prescription co-pays. And when that happens, then we end up in the negative. Blah. I�m much better than Blue about keeping track of finances and getting bills paid on time, but I still have issues with budgeting, which is bad. When I lived alone this was not a problem, but after three years of living with the boys you�d think I�d remember that YMB needs new pants every couple of months, the way he grows. Le sigh.
Honestly, how do I think we ever going to finance an adoption, never mind budget for a baby? $7,000 or $20,000, it might as well be a million at this rate.
8:54 a.m. - February 23, 2004
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-on the importance of friends and hysterical laughter
To the Ukrainian guy who sent me an awfully sweet e-card recently: that was really nice, but, er, I�m rather happily married. As you would know if you paid any attention to my journal. Eh, maybe it�s the language barrier. Thanks but no thanks.
Anyway: Not much going on this week. Things have been unusually smooth and peaceful. Blue has been in a good mood all week and even took the Kid and a friend ice skating last night. YMB has done his homework every night and hasn�t been in trouble at all, which makes me rather nervous. I finally got my hands on the new Jennifer Crusie book and actually have time to read it, since my next deadline is all of three weeks away. I�ve been off the absolutely-no-getting-pregnant-on-these meds for weeks and I don�t feel too bad; not great, but definitely manageable. I had a hysterical chat last night with Swoop, Natalie (currently being hosted by Swoop), and Geni, which we haven�t done in far too long, and that send me to bed in a good mood for once. You know when you�re laughing so hard that your hands are shaking, so you can�t type, and you start coughing, and the dog looks at you like you�re insane as you droop helplessly over the keyboard? Yeah, like that.
I�ve been lucky enough to run across several incredible women blogging their experiences with infertility and adoption, women who are generous enough to do the written equivalent of a public pelvic exam on a regular basis. Reading these journals, corresponding with some amazing women, and starting the PCOS study, has changed me in the last couple of weeks; for the first time in I-don�t-know-how-long I actually feel a teeny bit hopeful. Not in a concrete way; we haven�t suddenly come into money and re-started the adoption process, nor have I suddenly started ovulating on schedule. But we are going to find a way to do this. So not get all sappy or anything, but I just want to ackowledge getupgrrl and Julie, Jo and Michelle, Carrie, and especially Dawn. These women have made me laugh and cringe and cry a little, and know that there are people who know how I feel and who understand. One knows that, of course, other people go through this, but you don't really know know until you find them. Dawn put up with my highly personal questions and gave me invaluable advice and Carrie offered help I have yet to take advantage of but I�m sure I will. I don�t know any of you but you�ve all been so willing to offer help and support, and I just find it absolutely amazing. So thanks.
Er, before I start sobbing at work, I should stop. I'm doing well. I'm not even going to mention the $36.20 in library fines I had to pay on Tuesday that weren't even my fault.
10:13 a.m. - February 20, 2004
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