caerula's Diaryland Diary

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lessons well learned

Things I learned in the looney bin:

1. A lot of people are a lot worse off than me.

2. This doesn�t mean my own problems aren�t as valid as theirs. Different experiences, same pain. I shouldn't feel guilty about taking up their time and space just because some peopl have more opportunity in their lives to experience and learn from their pain.

3. It does make me more grateful than ever that I have a built in support system in my family, as opposed to the 20-year-old homeless girl down the hall in detox whose parents refuse to have anything to do with her � sweet as anything, and someone you�d run into on the street or working in the mall and think, what adorable curly hair. Or the woman in the next bed whose son-in-law r@ped her while she was recovering from bowel reconstruction surgery, and hasn�t seen her grandkids in a year, and was so depressed she tried to drink herself to death. Or the guy who, 3 months after getting clean, still has visual hallucination from all the Xtasy he�s done, who might have permanent spinal damage, whose family lives across the country and can�t afford to fly him home.

4. It�s humbling to realize how similar I might have been to these people, had circumstances been different.

5. I was closer to becoming addicted to X@n@x then I realized. The second day in the hospital, I shook and threw up all day, and had no idea what was going on. They told me it�s called withdrawal. I'd gotten to the point where I had no idea how much I was taking daily. I can hardly believe I didn't kill myself or someone else on that fateful drive to the shrink's office.

6. It�s rather disconcerting to have to ask for scissors or fingernail clippers, and have to use them where the nurse can see you. And sign out with a nurse and sign back in if you want to go down to the cafeteria and get a book, or take a walk outside. And the people on the locked hall couldn�t even do that. They could only go out into a fenced courtyard.

7. I can't make Blue well. I have to make myself well, and hope that for his sake and for our relationship, he decides to make himself well. And he is trying.

8. They really do make you do crafts and exercise and stuff on the psych ward. I did a lot of coloring, painted a little box, and had made a suncatcher, but it wasn�t dry yet, so I had to leave it there.

9. Being responsible for and taking responsibility are not necessarily the same thing.

10. I am very very glad to have a home to come home to.

(to be continued)

8:25 a.m. - June 27, 2002

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