caerula's Diaryland Diary

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how do you know when enough is enough?

I love my husband. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone, and I know he loves me more than I thought anyone ever would. I love the feel of his arms around me. I love how goofy he can be and how tender. I love to watch him interact with his son. I cry for him when he can�t cry for himself. I don�t know how I could live without him.

But last night, I discovered I don�t, can�t love him unconditionally. I�m sorry for that. I wish I could. But something happened last night that made me afraid � not for myself, but for him. And I can�t live with that.

So I�ve given my ultimatum. We'd had an agreement; we've had lots of kiss-and-cry talks over the last weeks. I know he's trying. He�s been calling for a couple of weeks, trying to get an appointment with his old counselor, but kept playing phone tag. Yesterday they finally got in touch, and he was told it would still be at least two weeks. Then last night � well, I�m not going to go into details. That�s between us. But this morning I told him that unless he did something � today � that I�ll be at my mom�s until he does. There�s the counseling agency where YMB goes � he could call YMB�s counselor and see if he could get Blue in somewhere. He can call the number on the back of our insurance card and tell them it�s an emergency, that he has to be seen this week. With our insurance, we do have several options, none of which he�s tried. And I can no longer live with that.

I told him I�d come back in the evenings he has to go to work, to be here for YMB. If YMB were our child and not just his, I would take him with me. I can�t do that. But I can�t live like this. I wish I could slay his demons, whatever they are. I can�t. He has to do it himself. He has to decide for himself that he can�t live like this, and that our family is more important.

I just went through a long process of beating my own personal demons to death, or at least into hiding. Blue helped me; I don�t know that I could have done it without him. But first, I decided to get help. To go to a counselor every week, to resume taking the medicines that keep me on an even keel. And I want to help Blue, if he will let me. But he shrugs me off, makes excuses, says he�s just having a bad day. Bad days that have gone on for weeks. I can�t stand to see him so miserable. But I know I can�t make the decision for him. He has to know that he needs help, that we can�t, and I won�t continue like this. And that all there is, for now. I left this up on our computer screen this morning. I know he'll meander over there at some point today. I hope he understands what I'm trying to say, because I wrote this for him.

8:37 a.m. - June 05, 2002

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