caerula's Diaryland Diary

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Warning -- sap ahead

A little better today. Got to bed by ten last night (as promised, Swwooop), but ended up having long talk and then make-up sex with Blue (who else, I suppose, in my bed?), so still didn't get to sleep until midnight or so. I do feel better anyway, today � sex will do that, and Blue got a lot of stuff of his chest that had been bothering him (no sex jokes here � this was before).

It started so stupidly � I was on the computer, chatting with Swoop and �ooh, someone who needs a nickname here, let's say Scarlett � and waiting for the Wings/EvilAvs game to be over, so Blue and I could go to bed. We don't get that many chances to sleep in the same bed, considering his nutty schedule, so I was rather looking forward to it. But the game didn't go so well, and Blue ended up releasing loads of profanity upon the heads of everyone involved in the game, scaring the dog, and going to bed without saying good night or anything, all as I was just trying to sign off the computer. He did get back up to let Sophie out, but then stomped right back to bed. I tried to make light of it, which sometimes works � "okay, Overreaction Man, spill it" � but he wasn't buying it. So I of course got upset � "I'm so thrilled that the fucking hockey game and how it goes is more important than spending a little time talking, or god forbid, making love to your wife." He doesn't respond. And doesn't respond. Because that's how he fights, which, may I say, is extremely annoying. Finally he says that he doesn't want to say anything because he knows he'll say the wrong thing. And I tell him that I want him to tell me what's going on, because otherwise we end up tearing each other apart every night, and even if it's something I don't want to hear, I need to know. So he spills.

I honestly hadn't realized, caught up in my own misery, how shitty he's been feeling � and most of it is directed and himself. He blames himself for everything � not finishing college, and therefore not being able to support me instead of the other way around, for yelling too much at YMB and taking his misery out on us, for the house not being immaculate (which is ridiculous, I mean, we have an eight-year-old), for not being able to help me when I'm going through such bad times. He honestly doesn't realize how much he does help, just by being there. And he's such a perfectionist, and takes all the responsibility for practically everything on himself. It frightens me that he let himself get this bad without being able to talk to me about it. I mean, he's on the edge of cracking, I really think he his, and I don't know what form that would take. He can lash out and be really mean, and while I don't think he would ever hurt us physically, this is a guy who's put his hand through both a wall and a desktop. Particle board, but still. I'm afraid he'd end up hurting himself more than anything, I guess.

He has, to his credit, left several messages with the counselor he saw last year, but no one has called him back yet. I told him today he needs to call that office and tell them it's an emergency � that's how I finally got in. Apparently if you're not suicidal or homicidal, they think it can wait 'til whenever. Which is just stupid. Yes, there's a lot of people a lot worse off, but here's someone trying so hard to get help and needing it so desperately. I told Blue if worst comes to worst, tell them he is suicidal. Not to make light of the situation, but as someone who's been there, I can tell you that makes them pay attention.

I don't honestly think Blue is suicidal, but I can almost � almost � seem him driving his car into a tree or something, either because he's completely not paying attention, or because he is so upset and angry at himself that he loses control. And that terrifies me.

He's going to get help, and that's all there is to it. We came to an agreement last night. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do to get better, emotionally and physically. I'm taking all of my meds, I'm trying to rest as much as I can, and I promised to try and stay off my foot more. And he's going to get help and honestly try to let it work this time � I think last time he went to counseling, he downplayed his problems somewhat, and ended up with a scrip for an antidepressant which gave him headaches, so he just stopped taking it, and ended up not ever going back. Which really didn't help anything. I don't know if he needs to be treated for the ADHD, for depression, for anger management, or a combination of all these things, but I've been around people in counseling all my life � god knows, practically everyone in my family has been at one time or another, we're all so emotionally screwed up � and I do know when someone has reached their breaking point. I don't want that to happen to Blue, for his sake and for ours.

And still, you know, despite all that, yesterday was better than the day before, and I feel like today will be better yet. Mom picked me up from work yesterday and we went to dinner, her theory being that I needed to get out of the house, which was probably true. And then we went by a garden place, and I bought myself the hot pink azalea bush that I had wanted for mother's day but didn't get. And a hydrangea bush to go at the other corner, and some bedding plants to go under the trees, and a trellis for my clematis, which is so far growing like wildfire. And it's supposed to be in the upper 60s the rest of the week, so maybe tomorrow I can get Blue and YMB outside to help me plant things. Tonight is out because it's the big art show at the high school, and YMB is absolutely walking on air about that. He also had a blast last night bragging to me how he's the best at the weaving project they're doing in art right now, and he used FIVE colors instead of three like everyone else, and he wants to get the instructions so he can make more weaving stuff this summer. He can be such a cool kid, when he's not tempting me to put him through a wall.

SO today will be better. And tomorrow better, and every day after that. We ARE going to turn things around, and that's all there is to it. I'm not ready to give up on this family, and not just because I love them, but because I'm coming to realize I need them. And they need me. We complete each other. It's not perfect (never will be, with Dementors in the picture, and god I hope they don�t show up tonight), but it's what we have and it is so worth the effort.

Gah, that got all soppy. Not at all where I intended to go this morning. But I'm going to let it stand.

10:35 a.m. - May 21, 2002

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