caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wrecked Yesterday I was a wreck. I went to bed last night and started out this morning at just the lowest of low points, for no apparent reason. I was sitting here at my desk feeling tears well up, not for anything I could pin down. These funks happen to me occasionally and I normally deal with them fairly well, but they're getting to be more frequent and I'm afraid that means I'm in for another major bout of depression and anxiety. Last night I was getting that tight-chested hyperventilating anxiety feeling, with nothing more serious on my plate than trying to hem a pair of Blue's pants and getting bills written out to mail today. I ended up having to take a Xanax last night just so I could relax enough to function, and that's something I haven't had to do in quite a while. It's passed now, sort of. I'm feeling more normal, although still sort of like I could go off into hyperventilation if the least little thing goes wrong. Not an ideal thing to be experiencing at work, especially the way work has been lately. I hardly ever go out for lunch but I think today is a day for McDonalds. I've got to get out of Cubicle World, at least briefly. I think this happens to me after I've survived a period of crisis. Things have been bad financially for the last few weeks, and YMB has been having some major behavior problems � I don't think I even went into here about his decision to headbutt a paper towel dispenser in the boys' bathroom at school, because he's was upset about something. The resultant destruction of property (the thing was plastic after all) resulted in a parental conference with the principal and an in-school suspension for YMB, never mind losing his allowance for the ten or so weeks it will take for him to pay for the thing. Anyway, so things haven't been pretty on that front. But now that things are starting to look up � we've had no phone calls from the school this week, we're turning a decent profit on the Amazon and Ebay sales, we have enough money to pay off all the bills and some to spare for savings � now I'm getting the anxiety. Because, I'm sure, I�m waiting for things to blow up and hit rock bottom again. I have a hard time dealing when things are going well; I just don't expect it to happen, or to last. Sigh. There's a psyche ripe for evaluation. Not that I have time or inclination for psychologists right now either � been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Missed the women's skating last night because of the panic attack mode I was in after 8 pm; I couldn't relax to just sit and watch tv, despite Blue and YMB's best efforts to cheer me up and help me chill. Sigh. I hate when I get like this. And since this is the one time I'm hoping Michelle Kwan doesn't actually fall on her ass, I hope that I'm able to focus enough in the next couple of days to get a grip on things and be able to relax and watch the Olympics with Blue in the evenings. I just so Can Not go off the deep end right now. Today is my one year anniversary with the Company. GB even brought in brownies, and I got a really nice Cross pen and a personally signed letter from the company president (Joe, he signed it, like we'd ever call him that). God, I think about what a wreck I was last year when I started here, and at least things are better than that now. I can't go back there. 11:21 a.m. - February 20, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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