caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- still here and sort of functional I suppose it�s about time I update here so ya�ll don�t start thinking I�ve gone off and slit my wrists or anything. (Note: I am not making light of suicide, since I have myself been suicidal at times. Just didn�t want anyone to think I�ve actually gone and done the deed.) Let�s start off with this: I�m starting to feel better. That�s the good news. Not all the time, obviously, but I�ve had moments these past couple of days when I really feel human again, and able to enjoy myself. The week started off badly. Monday was spent calling around trying to find a counselor and/or psychiatrist who a) takes my insurance and b) could see me on short notice. No luck finding a psych dr that day, but I did get an appt for Tuesday with a counselor. I don�t remember much of anything else about the day; I didn�t exactly go off into catatonia again, but I was pretty out of it. Tuesday. Blue had to work and pick up YMB at school, so mom went with me to the counselor appointment. Just having to go to a counseling facility sent me into a panic attack. The counselor, however, hereafter dubbed Mary Poppins due to her brisk efficiency and Julie Andrewsesque accent, was lovely. Very non-pushy, very patient. And she managed to work me in with one of the psychiatrists there on Friday. Tuesday night we explained a bit to YMB about what�s going on with me. Have to be careful there, as we hardly want him running off to the Dementors telling them how Caerula�s nuts. We likened it to his ADHD; we�ve explained to him that there�s this bit in his brain that needs help focusing; rather like his dad�s eyes get help from glasses, his brain get help from medicine. So we told him that I have a bit in my brain that instead of telling me to get really excited and worked up when it�s not appropriate, it tells me to be sad and scared when there�s nothing to be upset about, which might make me shake or breathe funny, or start crying. So I have a different kind of medicine. He seemed to accept that fairly easily, and hasn�t shown any signs of being worried about it. Wednesday. Oh god, Wednesday. Had a follow-up appointment with my GP. I can�t even bear to go into details, but basically her entire attitude was that we were wasting her time (quote, "I have sick patients to see"), that whatever this was wasn�t a medical problem (bullshit), that I needed to see a psychiatrist to review my meds, that it wasn�t her specialty to see if some of the hormones I�ve been back and forth with could have triggered this, and she didn�t have time to fill out my paperwork for work, even though her office is the one that took me off work last week. She never came near me, to check pulse or blood pressure or anything else, even though I was hyperventilating, shaking and crying nearly the entire time. When Blue finally said "Apparently you can�t help us, so we�ll be going" she actually threw up her hands and said "WhatEVER," rather in the fashion of a 5th grade girl. Blue had to carry me out of the office, I was so non-functional at this point, past the nurses station, checkout desk, waiting room, outside, and no one ever stopped to see if I was ok. Needless to say, won�t be going back to THAT doctor. And I was fairly catatonic for the rest of Wednesday, as the whole thing had upset me so much and triggered the panic button to such an extent that I absolutely could to nothing but lay on the couch and shake. Thursday first thing I called my insurance company and filed a complaint, which made me feel better. Also Thursday, I went back to see Mary Poppins, and spilling about the whole thing made me feel even better. Thursday was also a gorgeous day, sunny and in the 80s, so when we got back and YMB got home from school we went for a nice long walk accompanied by la chienne extraordinaire Mme Sophie, and when we got back from the walk I was tired, but I really did feel better. Friday I slept much of the day. My psych appointment wasn�t until late afternoon, so Mom picked up YMB from school and took him to the movies, and Blue and I saw the doctor. He was fairly nice and helpful. He waited until I stopped shaking and hyperventilating, let me take as long as I needed to answer questions, and changed some of my meds. Gave me something that actually lets me sleep without horrid nightmares or a hangover feeling, which is lovely, and increased the Paxil, which is the best med there is for panic/anxiety. Just having slept decently the last couple of days has helped tremendously. He took me off work for another week (whew, don�t think I�m ready to face that yet!) and was generally very helpful. After that Blue and I went down the street to the Humane Society to look and the puppies and kittens. No, we�re not getting another one, but we cuddled kittens and petted puppies and I felt better. There was one little gray fluffball I was severely tempted by, but Blue was firm. We met up with Mom and YMB for dinner, where I functioned quite well, thank you, despite being in a building with lots of people, and then went to Lowe�s, where I bought numerous pansies and snapdragons. Yesterday was a bit cooler than it had been the rest of the week � apparently were in for yucky weather again this week, sigh � but after a lethargic laying-around depressed morning, Blue made me get up and go outside to help him plan out the front flower bed. Digging in the dirt really is wonderful therapy, and I planted pansies and alyssum and made grand plans for our little strip of land (forget to mention they finally laid the sod this week, so we have actual GRASS � YAY! (although in the process they killed several of my tulips, boo) and everyone has been very happy, especially Sophie). I transplanted the tulips that still seemed to be alive to more auspicious locations, and we got the edging down, and I finally came in, exhausted and dirty but feeling pretty damn good. Talked to Natahood on the phone for a bit after that, where we bitched about the Wings� lousy performance and giggled about Blue�s early sex life (I discovered some thing � more on that in a later entry, because really, it deserves one all of its own). Watched Trading Spaces, sent YMB off to bed and Blue off to work, and slept a lovely dreamless sleep until 9:30 this morning, oh glory. So here I am. Remains to be seen how today goes � we have to go to the inlaws later � but for now, I�m doing okay. And again, mucho thanks to everyone who�s sent good thoughts my way (and the great cards from Natahood and Mechaieh � M, that guy falling over was exactly how I was feeling!) And I was honored to be on the receiving end of a wonderful wonderful poem from Swwoop, in return for which I tortured her with The Sweet Singer of Michigan, which she completely didn�t deserve. Not that anyone deserves Julia Moore, really, except perhaps my evil GP. Maybe I should start leaving long messages on her voice mail emoting Moore�s poetry. Heh. That might be a start of adequate revenge.
11:31 a.m. - April 21, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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