caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- quandaries So, dear readers, I have a quandary. I wrote here about my conflicts regarding whether or not to write about our fertility treatments and results in this journal, or wait until we knew the outcome. But I've become so dependent on journaling � it's keeping me sane, I think � that I feel it is necessary to write what we're going through. I want a record of it, later on, and as SWWP very practically pointed out, it will come in handy should I write a magazine article or a book someday. So, I'm keeping another journal, which location I've told no one, not even Blue. But that feels weird, and somehow dishonest to me. It separates what we're going through with the fertility thing from the rest of my life, and it's not like that at all. It's always here, in the back of my mind, even when I'm writing about YMB's projectile vomiting or my husband turning into a fiery inferno in the bathtub. I want it all to be connected. And here's the thing � it's not that I don't want people to know about this. Lately I've become very much an advocate for fertility issues, as I'm learning more and more about what people go through. Sharing our experiences is another way for me to get the word out. And as far as I know, the people who read this journal, with the exception of one or two, aren't people who know me in real life. So I never had an issue with sharing or not sharing what we're going through. I figure if people don't want to read about pelvic ultrasounds and semen specimens and shots in the butt, they can stay away from my journal. But, I felt like I should want to keep it private for now. We're sticking to our guns about not sharing any specifics with the family. I absolutely could not deal with knowing all of them were waiting and wondering along with us, or having to call 14 people the day we get the news. I don't want to tell anyone when I find out I'm pregnant, not right away, in case something goes wrong. I've heard too many tragedies. Having to tell a bunch of people that I had a miscarriage, right after telling them I'm pregnant, would be too awful. We'll probably tell our parents when we're a month or so along, and swear them to secrecy, and let everyone else know at around the three month point. So I sort of felt that if we weren't telling the family, it was hardly fair of me to write all about it here, where people we don't know could find out I'm pregnant before my parents even know. But I talked to Blue about it, and he agreed that if I wanted to share this experience in my online journal, then I should. Because the people I don't know, I don't care about, and the people I do know, whom I know read this, care about me enough that they wouldn't pester me for news. As he pointed out, no one I know in real life would know that a few people on line knew more than they did. And if I do get pregnant, how could I not write about it here for three whole months? Impossible. So what I'm thinking of doing is putting a link to my other journal here. That way, you all can decide if you want to know the detail of my reproductive system and menstrual cycle, etc., and you don't have to read it if you don't want to. And it will still technically be separate from this. Although when it's the right time, I will most likely combine these two into one journal, with everything. That wasn't my intention at all when I started this. But I'm dying to share this stuff with someone. Apparently I've become a diary exhibitionist. This perhaps should be private stuff, but I don't want it to be. Does that make any sense at all? 3:23 p.m. - January 11, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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