caerula's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- blahsuck So yesterday a woman on the Sublist made a comment in a post that made me want to smack her, very hard. It upset me so much I couldn't comment about it either on or offlist, but fortunately she-who-was-Phelps stepped in with her usual common sense and talent for telling people to fuck off without them realizing it. It's a talent I can only envy and try to emulate. I've gotten much better about not letting List things bug me, and the filtering I'm doing helps quite a bit, but this was just one of those out-of-the-blue things, about a subject I feel very strongly about, that shocked me right out my regular pattern of thinking. It was a very insensitive thing to say considering there are several people on the list, myself include, who have talked about their problems with infertility, and Blue's struggle to have custody of his child is fairly comon knowledge as well. That's all I'm going to say about that. I have been feeling worse again, emotionally. I wouldn't really say it's depression like I've suffered with before; it's more like mental exhaustion. I'm too tired to do anything that requires any major brain activity, and everything just seems like a huge effort. I'm thinking I'll call some of the numbers my doctor gave me and try to find a decent counselor again for a while. I need to discuss my health problems and their competing potential treatments and outcomes, pros and cons and how I feel about how it's affecting me. I can talk about it with Blue, but even though he is really sympathetic and understanding, I know he just can't quite grasp what I'm going through. I can talk to Mom a little bit about the fibromyalgia aspects, as she does understand completely what that's all about, but then she was also able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat all three times and never had any fertility problems, so that's not easy for her to grasp, and it upsets her to see me upset. The doctors want to tell me what to do and most of the time I get completely opposite advice from the different specialists; they aren't interested in the emotional toll as much as physical results. So I'm back to finding a professional to talk to. Since I've been fairly unsuccessful at that so far, except for lovely Leila in SC, I don't know how positive I feel about finding someone I really feel comfortable with. I need a more cheerful topic, and I can't seem to come up with anything today. I just feel blah. The birthday party for Buttercup last night wasn't too bad, although when you get all those kids together they are VERY NOISY. T was there with Bubbles and the Diva. Bubbles was wearing an incredibly inappropriate outfit she called her "party dress." It was a sleevless leotard decorated with spangles and flapper-like fringe. Might be appropriate for a dance recital, but really not for a family party. And this is the child who won't wear underwear, whose mother lectures them about modesty. Apparently flapper outfits on 5 year olds don't fall under the modesty rules in their house. Sigh. The Diva was fairly well behaved for once, and didn't start crying over something-or-other until time to leave, so we didn't have to listen to it for very long. Buttercup was very well-behaved although a bit whinier than she usually is. She liked her kaleidoscope necklance very much. Saw Minnie and EngineerBoy as well, and talked about registering and wedding plans, of course. Her shower is in a month. I don't know what the hell I'm going to buy her from her registery. They registered for sheets that cost $66 buck apiece, for crissakes. Maybe I can get them a pillowcase. Or one utensil. Geez.
9:54 a.m. - 2001-10-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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