caerula's Diaryland Diary
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a survey
Do other women have this issue, or is it just us barren girls who feel the compulsion to hide our underthings when we change into that lovely paper gown? We are at the ob/gyn way more than most of you, and have lots of time to think about this stuff while staring up at the stained ceiling tiles. Just wondering.
8:52 p.m. - March 15, 2004
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all I want is a room somewhere...
Which Legendary Actress are you?
Awesome. Where are you when I need you, inner Audrey?
7:31 p.m. - March 15, 2004
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good news/bad news
Well, the good news is I've neither left home nor murdered my husband. Not that both ideas haven't occured to me in the past 48 hours.
The bad news is that this isn't just a momentary lapse. It's bad, and it's going to require a lot of work to get our relationship back on track. These are Blue's issues so I'm not going to go into specifics; let's just say that he's having to make some really difficult adjustments and rethink the way he functions on a daily basis.
We spent Thursday evening sitting on the kitchen floor having a long serious conversation. Last night was a slightly shorter but still fairly serious chat. This morning we had scrambled eggs and tried to pretend to be normal with YMB.
I may have to drop out of the fertility study, since among other things is requires you to have sex 2-3 times a week and keep track of it -- as anyone trying seriously to conceive is probably aware, sperm live 48 hours, so every-other-day gives you the best shot, so to speak. When I started this process that wasn't an issue; now apparently it is. Emotionally he's just not there, and of course it makes this the least optimal time to get pregnant. Except that this might be our only shot at it.
Damnit.
But at least I still have a husband; I suppose that's something, although at the moment it's kind of a toss-up. (Kidding! I think.)
1:21 p.m. - March 13, 2004
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fuckity fuck
I don't really know what to say. This has been one of the worst days I've had to live through in a very long time. Blue is having some kind of -- I don't know, crisis or meltdown or something. Oh, he's perfectly functional as far as your basic eating-sleeping-driving the kid to basketball practice stuff, but interacting with his wife, not so much. I don't really want to go into it too much here. Things are just, well, shitty. I went to work, I came home early because I couldn't deal, I ate half a bag of potato chips and played Bookworm until I thought my wrist was going to fall off from mouse use, I went to sleep on the couch for two hours, and woke up when the kid got home from school. YMB got himself a PB&J and played on the computer for a while, did his homework, and got Blue up to take him to his basketball scrimmage tonight. Blue got up, got dressed, and left the house with YMB without saying a word to me. I went to bed at 7:30, well before they got home. But now of course I'm back up, all stuffy-nosed and swollen-faced, listening to Blue banging around getting ready for work and trying to figure out what to do next.
And it's our fucking wedding anniversary. Great.
10:25 p.m. - March 11, 2004
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no happy endings?
My husband is of the opinion that I need to stop reading blogs of people I don't actually know personally. He doesn't blog or read any, so I know he has a different perspective, but he doesn't understand why my heart is breaking for Maria and for the several women with failed IVF or IUI cycles this month. We have enough to worry about, he says, which is true. You'll drive yourself crazy with this, he says -- also true. But I can't think about my own misery ALL the freaking time, you know. And more than that, I need to know what other women are going through, how they deal with this, how they get out of bed in the morning and don't just crawl under the comforter with a bag of potato chips for days on end.
That's what I wanted to do this weekend, and I didn't have anything actively fail -- just another damn period, which is hardly unexpected. But between that and breaking my heart over my adorable 10-month-old nephew, and spending half the day yesterday in places like Gymboree and Baby Gap with Kitty and said nephew it's been a hard several days to face.
So I don't know that it really makes me any more upset to know other people who are going through this. I feel for them, of course. It adds to my grief a bit, maybe. But it helps me to know that other people do get through this, do survive this, and that sometimes they have happy endings.
9:46 p.m. - March 03, 2004
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